I’d like to say that the illusion of purity began when I was engaged in extremism; however, unfortunately, that is far from true. I remember all the lectures I was given when I was first recruited, namely when the individual who brought me around would remind me that any part of me that didn’t fit into the mold of what they wanted could be seen as a sign of weakness. I can recall the other group members inquiring about my dating history and asking if I had ever been with anyone in the out group; my answer was no at the time, as I was only 17 and had only one boyfriend. Although the questions felt pretty invasive, I went along with it as I wanted to adopt this false image of confidence at the time, so if the illusion of purity was part of it, then I was willing to play along.

Several times, though, I would have memories from my childhood resurface from when I was in remedial classes in grade school. I had a problem when it came to reading and speech due to undiagnosed ADHD at the time. I have more than a few vivid memories of my teacher announcing in front of the class, “Lauren, it’s time to go to remedial classes now!” As an adult, if someone spoke to me like that nowadays, I would have no trouble telling them where to go. However, as the 9-year-old I was at the time, I wanted to hide from everyone as I got up and walked out the classroom door. I believe this memory came back many times because I never wanted to feel the shame of that ever again; I had very brief moments of anger towards the teacher out of compassion for that 9 year old kid, but at the same time it almost served as a motivator while I was in extremism never to go back to that level of vulnerability as I clearly wasn’t comfortable with it.

A year or so in extremism, and I would find myself in a relationship with someone outside of the group I was involved with. This was a concern for me at the time, as the group member did ask about the individual I was seeing, namely, if he shared our beliefs. To say I was lost for words at the time would be an understatement, as I knew my dedication to the group would be questioned. Logically, I can see now that being one of the few women in the group, the guys likely wanted me for themselves; however, at the time, I was concerned with holding my place there. It shouldn’t be any surprise to anyone reading this that I forced my beliefs on the person I was seeing at the time and wouldn’t introduce him to my so-called friends until he parroted the rhetoric well enough. Going a bit deeper than just wanting to retain my place within the group, I also felt my own alleged beliefs at the time wavering while I was dating him, as I didn’t have that constant reinforcement as I would if I were around the other members. As much as I was concerned with what the group would think of him, I was equally as concerned with what they would think of me and wondered if I was truly a believer in the cause.

Fast forwarding into my early 20’s, I had to quit drinking as I developed cirrhosis of the liver and was told that I needed to quit, otherwise it was a one-way trip to my grave within a year. It’s rather ironic that a group which preaches purity constantly also binge drinks themselves into oblivion (I wasn’t the only one with a drinking problem), how ever they had their own way of thinking about this in the sense that they believed admitting to ones self that they have a problem was a sign of weakness and thus, not aligned with their ridiculous standards of purity. I decided that I needed to do what was best for me as opposed to what suited everyone else after I got into a yelling match with one of the other members at a gathering, as he continually shoved drinks in my face and mocked me for not partaking.

A few years after my time in extremism would come to an end and I started seeing a therapist in an effort to stay sober. Unfortunately, I still had this idea of purity in my head when it came to recovery. While I can look back and can say that I was committed to leaving my old ways behind, I also put unnecessary pressure on myself even after my therapist had told me that recovery was a game of progress over perfection. It’s strange to think about this concept vs my own thinking at said time because progress would have also included accepting myself and knowing that, like everyone else, I’ll always have my flaws. 

I have lost count of the amount of money I spent on different therapies, including those which are evidence-based (known to work) and alternative practices, all because I wanted to achieve this unattainable goal, which I mistakenly believed to be resilience. I made a huge mistake of not doing my research on one of those occasions about something I was interested in trying; I would only find out years later that hypnosis should never be used for memory re-call. I walked into the office and was excited to see what kind of result I would get from this, only to be put under and stuck in this tragic memory, which never existed in the first place. The hypnotist stated, “You need to keep going and process this,” as I stated that I didn’t want to do this anymore, so we continued against my consent. I finished the session and told myself that I would never do something like this again; relieved to be done with that day, but also blaming myself and asking myself, “how could I have been that stupid as to try something like this without looking into it first”. I may as well admit, as I’m writing this piece, that this was one of the very few times in my life where I felt completely helpless as someone else had control over me while I was in this hypnotic state and clearly didn’t do their job in an ethical fashion. I always say that I do my best thinking while I’m driving, and this is exactly what happened a few weeks later, after I slowly recovered from the failed hypnosis experience. A lot of thoughts about the matter went through my mind, but the most important one was that I was just continuing to do harm to myself by trying to reach this unattainable goal of what I considered purity (I never defined what that word meant to me either). I may have walked away from extremism and addiction, but unfortunately, for the longest time, the same mindset carried over into recovery. In case anyone wonders how I got through this mind set, it was actually after I moved from where I used to live and made friends with a bunch of my neighbours from the building I rented from. We used to hang out outside after our workdays were over, laugh, goof off, and do harmless, stupid things. The best explanation I have for why this was so healing was because it allowed me to just relax and be myself instead of having to maintain an image as I was around people who just accepted me for me. I no longer criticize myself for just having a rough day or for being my imperfect and occasionally twisted self; I hope these friends of mine find this piece and read it until the end, as I want them to know that they indirectly helped me heal without knowing it.

Editor's Note: Purity can be defined in many ways, including ideological loyalty, sexual and moral purity, religious purity, and adherence to the identity-based standards of the in-group.